1. |
Picking a Scab
03:53
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Why do I feel unworthy? Why do I grind my teeth at night? Why do I keep having thoughts that I don’t want to have? Why do I pick at my skin and my nails and myself? Why am I cruel? I want to know- why am I cruel? Am I sick? Am I unwell? Am I on my own here- just like everybody else? Why do I beat my head against a wall? Why do I drink myself sick sometimes? Why do I berate myself like this- always asking, nagging, why do I, why do I, why do I? Oh I don’t know who I’m asking, if this is a prayer, who’s listening? But I want to know- why am I cruel to myself? It’s John the Savage outside the lighthouse, that’s all this is right? Oh, I see how this works now, I’m talking to you. But do I really want to know, do you pick your scabs too? Are you cruel to yourself too? Oh I don’t know. All of a sudden, I don’t know where I am.
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2. |
Swimmin'
03:05
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Why do I even look? I know what I’m gonna see. Am I trying to be surprised? Am I trying to disbelieve? Am I looking for some shame, or a little old-fashioned outrage? My eyes are always glazed over. I’ve got nothing. Sometimes, in my dreams I’m in the back seat of a car, swerving uncontrollably forever. We’re swimming in a river of shit, and the current’s getting stronger. I close my eyes and I think: is this what hypnosis feels like? Communion with some abstract, eldritch beast? Where it stares into you while you stare back into me? I wake up, and we’re all swimming in a river of shit, and the current’s getting stronger every day. Oh why do I look? It’s all shit we’re swimming in.
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3. |
--
01:21
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4. |
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There's a nervous energy in the Taco Bell and I wonder if I shouldn't have come. I glance at the self service screen but change my mind. I'm careful to keep my distance from the construction workers, who are the only other ones there with me. One of them has a Godsmack tattoo, and the sauces are all behind the counter now. I wonder: will I get enough? Are they rationed now? Are all the workers wearing gloves? Will I not eat my cheesy gordita crunch with black beans and potatoes if they aren't? Let's be real. I eat in the car in the parking lot and I wonder if this was a mistake. I could've just eaten at home, and I can't stop thinking that this was a mistake that condemns another human being’s life. My passing desire for cheap comfort food may have been a mistake that kills another human being. She gave me exactly enough fire sauce packets, and my cheesy gordita crunch is delicious. I stop at Lowe's on the way home, and I see a friend. We touch elbows, and back away, and leave, and I can't stop thinking: is this a mistake that kills somebody?
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5. |
Sicko
04:34
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What is this but a fetish? Some kind of sick exhibitionism? Where I get up here, like some kind of sicko who just wants you to watch- just wants you to listen and watch? Now I ain’t proud of a lot of things, of a lot of needs, like this need to be seen, to put my shame on display, to milk it, and want you to watch. (are you looking?) Yeah what is this, but a low key kink? Some kind of unacknowledged public voyeurism? We all know the scene, yeah we’ve done it before, I prostrate myself, you maybe nod. It’s a weird little dance, but we both know our parts, and we know them well. It’s an unhealthy partnership, parasitic 69 type shit, eye-fucking, but make it aesthetic. You get yours, I get my kicks. ha ha ha. Oh, who are we kidding, this is all for show. This ain’t no two-way street, this ain’t no partnership. I’m just a sicko who wants you to listen and watch. I’m just a sicko, forgive me, please.
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6. |
Gone
05:46
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I think I need an exorcism, maybe a new operating system. A fumigation would clear me out- I just want to get it out of me. So get your crosses out, hold the power button down, clear the pets, and get the tent set up. I just want to kill it or get it out of me. I just want it gone. So someone, if you please, compel it or them to leave. Load something new and clean in me. I just want it gone. I just want to kill it, I just want it gone. I don’t know what it is, I just want it gone. I’d rather be empty than whatever this is. I got a bad feeling, and I just want it gone. Can you help me? Can you excise it? Can you remove it? Can you take it from me?
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KIRCHER Richmond, Virginia
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